“You still love him and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with still loving someone even if that path leads no where. Even if they no longer love you. You can love from afar as long as you don’t do anything that will hurt you…”- K. Stein
Yeah, I still feel it. It’s weird, but I still want this deep connection with you. Sometimes I wonder if the advice I gave you came from pure concern or jealously. I haven’t been jealous over you in a long time. It’s this factor of knowing the amount of attention you pay to someone else currently has me thinking … “did you ever think of me that way?…”
I’m probably being silly. You were the second toughest heartbreak I ever had to experience and even though it was years ago, I still feel this longing to have something with you. I don’t need to be with you because I’ve gotten used to free roaming and not having restrictions. It no longer bothers me to wonder if you are prying your hands into someone else’s cookie jar. It’s more of a don’t ask and don’t tell kind of thing. No, that’s not right. It’s more of a…
“I saw this person.”
*My Mind: likely you two had sex or did something intimate*
Our day would continue smoothly and it is seen as not my concern or problem.
Maybe I want you to want more of me. To seek better for me and want to see me progress in some way. Could that be why I drag myself to see a lady I don’t really know and tell her all of my problems? After all, you suggested it. The only one to tell me to seek help. Not sure if you remember my distaste for therapists, but if you remembered and suggested I see one anyway that would mean so much to me.
Sometimes I sit in your presence and take in all that is you. The environment around you may change, but you remain as classic as a novel. The room could be all black or fill with monumentals, I wouldn’t see them. All I would see is your aura.
“What do you want from me?”
To have a connection with you. To still have a string that binds us together…why was that so hard to say? You do realize that’s why I gave you that necklace in the first place right? I always wanted to be apart of your life somehow. You said your life works in threes…is it wrong for me to want to be on that ranking no matter where my place was?
So many questions. I seriously need to stop doing that. This desire to wanting to always matter to the people who matter to me might damage my sanity in the end. Well, I’m already seeing a shrink so oh well.
“You tend to make it about you”
Forgive me, but I’m being honest with you. I want it to be about me. It’s not about being self centered. It’s about having a place. Having a space on your wall. A piece in your journal. Something.
We are friends which I am grateful for. I just want something deeper. I don’t need you to love me. You probably never will again. I don’t need a label. I want us to be …more.