Welp

Disappointment is a strong emotion for me now a days. It almost builds up into anger and makes me think “what the hell did do any of this for?” It leads me to want to no longer try and give a damn because I start to think “what’s the point?” At the same time it inspires me to write. All the negative feelings lead me to write… guess that’s a ok thing. 

I hate how my makeup came out anyway…

It’s funny how I always hype myself up for a chance to better my situation thinking that things are going to workout as magical as I picture them in my head. I have this constant dream that my princess dream will come true. I forget that as much as I would like to be a princess, that is not the role I play. 

“Remember your place”

 You used to drill that into my mind. Every single moment we spent together since that one hot summer day. The first strike. The first push into these deep rooted issues I can’t seem to fade away from. What does it take to hit a woman?

I’m rambling now. I’m going where my mind takes me and sometimes that can be a dangerous place. It brings me into dark holes sometimes and I’m not sure why I allow it to happen. 

After all, it was a spontaneous meet up. We were orignally supposed to meet Sunday. It was me who became greedy and wanted things to go further faster now that I have seen you. What was the rush for? I couldn’t have been afraid that you would abandon me like the other one I vibed with, right? There is no evidence that you are lying and hiding a secret girlfriend I should know about. That’s not possible. I couldn’t fall for that scenario again. 

This shirt makes me look fat. This makeup feels heavy and ugly. I hate these shoes. Why am I even wearing this skirt for? My legs aren’t even shaved. 

Everyone keeps asking me “where’s your boo?” “What’s he doing?” They assumed that I would be with him tonight based on how I looked. Forgetting that I have dressed up before I was with him. I’m not his keeper. I don’t really care where he is. He’s not mine to care for anymore. 

Forgive me if you are starting to feel shitty. A part of me doesn’t want you to feel that way and another is hoping it stings you more. I can be spiteful. It’s not the best feature about me. 

You: “i can hear your tone.”

Oh? 

You: “vibes. I can feel you. i just feel your energy. i am unable to put it into words.

Please try. Express me.

You: “i can feel your unhappiness. maybe a little anger. tension. disappointment. sadness. resentment? regret. you had your hopes up, and to come down from that excitement, you’re not pleased, especially after extending yourself in various ways. aggravation.”

Spot on I’ll give that to you. A lot of people have to ask me what’s wrong or what it is I’m feeling. You didn’t any help deciphering my exact feelings. Makes me care for you more. Yay you. 

There is so much human interaction around me. I envy new and strong love. 

I need someone I can drink with.

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